


Secrets and Lies

by killerweasel



Category: Good Omens (TV Series)
Genre: Absinthe, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), M/M, Serious Injuries, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25755421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerweasel/pseuds/killerweasel
Summary: Drunken stupidity leads to injury. Crowley will help, but only if they agree to a few things first.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Secrets and Lies

Title: Secrets and Lies  
Fandom: Good Omens (TV Series)  
Characters: Beelzebub, Gabriel, Crowley  
Pairings: Aziraphale/Crowley, Beelzebub/Gabriel  
Word Count: 1,738  
Rating: R  
A/N: After Episode 6  
Summary: Drunken stupidity leads to injury. Crowley will help, but only if they agree to a few things first.

Beelzebub hiccupped as the empty bottle fell from her fingers. "Okay. Zzzo, I think we should try it. Tonight's the night!"

"I don't know. What if it doesn't work?" Gabriel squinted at the three Beelzebub's sitting across from him until they merged back into one.

"I'll juzzzt use a small amount." She twisted her fingers, making a flame appear in her palm, she blew on it softly until it was the size of a tennis ball. "Zzzee?"

"I don't want to use the ice bucket. What about that coffee cup?" He picked it up, took it over to the sink, and filled it with water. Then he concentrated. There was a brief shimmer on the water's surface. "Instant Holy water." Gabriel grinned. "We should throw at the same time. Ready?"

"One... two... three... Now!"

The small ball of Hellfire hit Gabriel in the shoulder, burning through flesh like it was paper until it hit bone. He screamed in pain, dropping the glass of Holy water he'd been holding. The glass hit the wooden floor and shattered, sending bits of glass and water everywhere.

Beelzebub's skin erupted into huge blisters when it came into contact with the water. Her scream of pain was loud enough to make the window in the hotel room explode. The sole of her left foot began to smoke as the water ate away at exposed skin. She slid backwards until she hit the wall, wrapping her arms around her body and whimpering in agony.

"We fucked up." Gabriel grit his teeth against the throb in his shoulder. "We really fucked up, Bee."

"No zzzhit, Sherlock." Tears were rolling down her cheeks as some of the blisters on her legs burst. "Fuck me, that hurtzzzz."

"What do we do? You can't miracle this kind of damage." He glanced over at his shoulder. "Oh, that looks really bad." His stomach gave several flips, threatening to rid itself of all the alcohol. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Zzzuck it up, buttercup. We need to get these woundszzz treated." It took a great deal of effort, but she made it to her feet. She tried to keep all her weight on her right foot. "I have a thought, but you're really not going to like it."

Gabriel took several deep breaths as he straightened up. "We can't do that. Not after what we tried to do to them. Plus, how is it going to look after we almost murdered them for doing the exact same thing we've been doing?"

"Do you have a zzzingle better idea?"

"No." His face fell. "Do you want to show up together or separately?"

"Together." She held out her hand and he took it. "They might kill uzzz"

"It's a risk I'm willing to take."

\---

Crowley opened the front door of the cottage, saw who it was, and tried to slam it shut again. Gabriel managed to get his foot in the door. "Go bother someone else!"

"Look, we need help. We really, really fucked up.” Gabriel turned, showing Crowley his shoulder. "Is Aziraphale there? Maybe he'd be willing to help us."

The door to the cottage opened the rest of the way. "Aziraphale is not here, so you’re going to have to deal with me." Crowley crossed his arms over his chest. "I highly dislike both of you because of what you tried to do to us, but I am willing to put that aside for now. I do know how to help both of you. However, I have stipulations you both have to agree to. And when I say agree, you’re going to scrawl your sigils on a piece of paper I will put in my safe afterwards. Do you understand?"

Beelzebub seemed to shrink even smaller than she was as she leaned against Gabriel to take some of the weight off of her badly injured foot. She winced as another blister on her face burst. "What are the termzzz, Crowley?"

Gabriel swayed back and forth, panting harshly. "Just agree to them, Bee, I’m going to pass out."

"No, you’re not. If you can handle what I put you through the other night, thizzz is nothing." Her lips curled back in a snarl. "Demons have always been better at contracts than angelzzz."

"You don’t ask me how we became immune. You can tell me what you two tried and I will say yes or no, but won’t give any helpful details." Crowley straightened up. "There will be no attacks on us from either side. We are out of the business and want to be left alone. And I understand, you can’t prevent individuals from coming at us, but if they do and they fail, you will punish them as you see fit as an example to others. Do you agree?"

Gabriel nodded. His face had lost most of its color and sweat was trickling down his forehead. "I agree."

"I agree to the termzzz."

Crowley snapped his fingers, producing a contract stating exactly what he’d mentioned. He licked his index finger before burning his sigil onto the bottom and then held it out to the others. Beelzebub signed first and Gabriel followed. "Good." Crowley snapped his fingers again, miracling the paper away. "Go into the cottage. I have to pick some herbs and plants to make what I need from my greenhouse. I’ll be in shortly. Try not to bleed on the furniture."

\---

"You’re going to need to keep this bandage on for forty-eight hours. The herbs and paste I packed into the wound will leach out the remaining Hellfire. Have Beelzebub remove everything because it will burn the shit out of your hands if you touch it." Crowley added a final layer of bandages around Gabriel’s shoulder. "I would recommend taking it easy for a week, just to give yourself some time to heal. If you can still see bone when she takes the bandage off, come back and I’ll try something else." He sat back, wiping his hands on a nearby cloth. "How does it feel?"

"The ache is starting to fade." Gabriel looked surprised. "I have to assume you’ve done this before."

"Needed to take care of my angel a few times over the years. Couldn’t risk him being discorporated." Crowley didn't mention he had been the one to inflict the damage both times. He turned to Beelzebub. "This crap is going to sting, but then it’ll feel better. I have something else for your foot. Which do you want to do first?"

"Leave the foot for lazzzt. It will give me something to concentrate on while you’re working on the rezzzt." Beelzebub took a couple of deep breaths. "Go ahead."

Crowley gently coated all the burnt and blistered areas on Beelzebub’s skin with a thick, green paste. She hissed between her teeth as it began to sting. "I’ll give you a couple jars of this to take home. Once the blisters go away, you should be fine."

"Sex isn’t what made you immune, is it?" A flush spread from Gabriel’s neck to his cheeks. "Because we have been doing all the things. We even did a few things I’ve never heard of before."

"Nope." Crowley scooped up more paste to coat the blisters on Beelzebub’s stomach. "We never even got together until after the world didn’t end. We were always afraid we’d get caught and punished. I see now it was ‘do as I say, not as I do’, huh?"

"This is new for uzzz too."

"Ah. What were you two drinking to make flinging Hellfire and Holy water a good idea?" He finished with her stomach and began to work on her leg, pausing every few minutes to allow her a moment to catch her breath. The fact they had both come showed exactly how much agony they were in. Beelzebub hid it far better than Gabriel, but she was a demon. They were used to pain.

"I don’t know. It’s green and seriously kicked my ass." Gabriel sat down on the sofa. "Do you mind if I rest for a bit? I’m exhausted."

"Go ahead." Crowley snapped his fingers, making a pillow and blanket appear. "Sleep is great for healing."

"Thanks. I mean it. Thank you for helping." Gabriel stuck the pillow under his head, wrapped himself in the blanket, and closed his eyes. A few minutes later, he was snoring softly.

"He has no idea how close you two came to killing each other, does he?" Crowley kept his voice low so it wouldn’t disturb the slumbering Archangel. "If you had been a little more accurate with your throw..."

"I don’t want to talk about it. We were drinking Absinthe and I didn’t dilute it with water. I forgot what it does to me." She sat back as he finished the blisters on her leg. "For a time, I did think about zzznatching you up and torturing you to find out why the Holy water didn’t work. But I didn’t think you’d tell uzzz no matter what I did because you’d be protecting your angel. You’d discorporate firzzzt."

"True." Crowley gingerly picked up Beelzebub’s foot and studied the bottom of it. "You might want to be unconscious for this. I have to deal with the ruined tissue or it’ll never heal. But then you’d really need to trust me."

"You helped Gabriel after what he did." Beelzebub gave Crowley a very small smile. "If you were going to kill me, you wouldn’t have bothered healing me firzzzt. I truzzt you."

\---

Beelzebub leaned on Gabriel as they made their way to the door. Her foot was covered in multiple layers of bandages. She was surprised by how little it hurt. Whatever Crowley had used worked like a charm. She had Gabriel leave first, motioning for him to wait on the porch. Then she turned, giving Crowley a smile so large it made her mouth ache.

Crowley raised an eyebrow. "You have a look on your face like you’ve just figured out the secrets of the universe."

"If you really didn’t want us to find out, you would have specified yourzzzelf _and_ Aziraphale." When the corner of Crowley’s mouth twitched, her smile grew larger. "We’ll be back in a week so you can check our woundzzz. Maybe we’ll revisit this conversation."

"Maybe." He stayed in the doorway until the both vanished with a snap. "And maybe Hell will freeze over first."


End file.
